Writing to remember

I thought long and hard about whether or not to send this message, whether to call or text or whether to just outrightly ignore your non chalance .

I decided to write it down possibly for just myself.
Before now, I had no remembrance of what being in a relationship with you was like I just knew at the end of it all ,I was annoyed but I didn’t know why I was annoyed . At a point it didn’t make sense , why was I avoiding you, why did I never want to speak to you, why did I hope you got hit by a bus 😂 ( lol! Just kidding about that last one). I wish you nothing but the best.
I realise now why it was so hard to remember what you did that annoyed me. To be honest annoyance isn’t even the word , unfortunately I don’t know the word yet,I just know the feeling.
I’ve discovered now that the reason it was so hard to remember was that it was never anything you did but more of all the things you didn’t do, not calling, not caring and then your constant “I don’t show I care , doesn’t mean I don’t care” I can’t understand how this even makes sense to you or made sense to me. Caring like loving, is in showing, if you can’t show you care then you don’t !!!!!!
I remember now the day I decided I was done, forget all the melodramatic breakup messages before then, I don’t think any of them were really as truthful as they should have been, I didn’t express myself enough, I didn’t say all the things I should have said.

I realised you didn’t care and I covered that up in texts saying how I didn’t want to be labelled and whatever other ridiculous break up messages I sent to you 😂. I guess it was the fear of being needy that didn’t make me say my thoughts out loud.

I realised i didn’t really matter to you and many times I thought I better end this thus the several break up messages you got, if only i could have expressed myself better it would have been just one text or no text at all , just a brief face to face conversation.

The thing is it can be hard to acknowledge that someone you kind of liked, doesn’t care. I mean I think I’m fantastic 😂 how could you possibly not care.

So I tried again even when I felt totally stupid for trying again, felt stupid becaus I knew in my heart of hearts that nothing would ever change, nothing could come out of this but disappointment and confusion. I’d be disappointed and you’d be confused asking what “what did I do?” ” why are you upset ?”.
I was taught/raised to be a strong independent woman so the thought of telling anyone that I needed them to care, or needed them to stay was alien to me, but now I know that part of being that strong independent woman is not mincing words especially when it comes to what I want or need, and if i couldn’t get exactly what I needed having the strength to walk away from anything that clearly isn’t serving me.
On the day I decided I was done, and the day that led to the feeling I had been feeling about you, the feeling we now call annoyance, I did not tell you outrightly, I had just decided in my head as you walked out of that taxi that it was over, I did not send any message like you said I did, but I understand why you would have thought I did ,It was because I sent you so many breakup messages throughout our time together , it would be impossible for you to place which was sent when or in what order they were sent.
I just decided not to call you and guess what? you made it really easy by never calling and that’s how it ended.
I remember now and I’m writing it down so I never forget.

Published by tonyeigbani

21 year old Nigerian. Writing about my personal style, fashion, beauty and life style. Book lover,wine lover,lipstick lover,love lover.

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